I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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