when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
