Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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