I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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