If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
