Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
