Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They took my balls.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
