How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
