I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
