We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
