Do you still have your period?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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