I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
