Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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