my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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