This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
