Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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