i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
