Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
