I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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