Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
