how can u be prego again
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
