You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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