somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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