K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
