Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
