i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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