Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
