i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I didn't notice because vodka
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
