So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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