I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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