I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
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New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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