she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
