so that wasnt chicken after all
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
