I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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