Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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