My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
