she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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