guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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