i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
