your parents love me but you hate me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My life is pants optional.
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