I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
