god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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