someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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