also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
