I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
