Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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