Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
