She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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