Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
