So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
