Just cropdusted the office
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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