I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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