I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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