I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
