There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
