I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
