Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
